اااححممم

September 13, 2007

 

 

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مبارك عليكم الشهر

 

و عساكم من عواده

 

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Dearest God,

July 23, 2007

A follow up to my previous Dear God, post:

Disclaimer: This is not a mockery of my God.. This is the way we communicate.. We are close that way.. I’m no Joan of Arc.. But I sometimes like speaking my mind to others.. even God.. and if you can’t handle that I’m writing a letter to God or how I chose to express myself toward God.. then don’t read on… and no hate comments.. mo nagi9ny o maly khulg.. Just deal with it..

It’s been a while since I last wrote you.. Ironic actually.. coz I have no faith today.. I have no spirit.. I have no compassion or sensation of any sort.. I feel numb.. I feel empty.. hollow..

My chest hurts.. I have that sinking feeling right at the core of me.. I’m embracing the pain.. it’s strangely keeping me company.. I keep losing my breathe trying to hold back my tears, all choked up.. I keep gasping for air and my lungs are tired.. the pain is tickling me all through to the back of my lungs.. I can feel them expanding and it feels like I am compressing on a sore bruise with every inhale.. my shoulders are heavy.. my knees are weak.. my nails hurt.. yes my nails hurt..

How powerful you are.. you even make my tiny nails hurt when I am sad..

Sad.. is that what I am today ? I’m in such a blur.. how powerful you are to take him away.. yet you leave his memory to linger at my very existence with every day the past 2 years..

It’s been 2 years.. he woulda been 29 now.. young and full of life.. 2 years of waiting, waiting for what I don’t know.. maybe I was waiting for reality to sink in.. maybe I was waiting to forget.. mostly I think I was waiting for him to come back.. or to meet him in anyway possible.. no matter what the odds..

how powerful you are to make me hurt so much.. enough.. watching his last breath was more than enough.. my own flesh and blood.. the closest person to me.. my mentor and guild in this world since the day I was born.. you took away my brother.. you took away a huge part of.. can’t you see how hollow I am.. I beg you enough.. let me be..

I miss him..

so much..

a day never passes without the thought of him..

My eyes are sore.. my voice is hurt.. Curse’d this week curse’d this week.. I hate it.. I hate it !!

Love,

D.

Dear God,

November 20, 2006

 

christian-yah.jpg Disclaimer: This is not a mockery of my God.. This is the way we communicate.. We are close that way.. I’m no Joan of Arc.. But I sometimes like speaking my mind to others.. even God.. and if you can’t handle that I’m writing a letter to God or how I chose to express myself toward God.. then don’t read on… and no hate comments.. mo nagi9ny o maly khulg.. Just deal with it..

Dear God,

Remember this morning when I called my Dad ? well actually it’s past midnight now.. so I mean yesterday..

Let me just rewrite it to save you the hassle of looking it up:

DaDiYo: Hala 7abebty.. ya a7la 9aba7 khair

DiiGMaa: 7imdila 3al salama baba.. I hope your well.. you cold ? I was worried you’ll freeze.. how is he ? plz tell me.. did you talk to him ?

DaDiYo: allah esalmich 7abebty.. wallah yabooch I’m in shock.. he’s worse than I imagined.. and tomorrows surgery doesn’t look very promising after days in a coma state.. The doctors say there’s a 10% chance of success..

DiiGMaa: I’m sure he can hear you Baba.. I’m gonna pray for him but can you say good bye for me just incase.. plz tell him I love him..

DaDiYo: Inshalah 7abebty I had a long talk with him.. I know he can hear me.. and I told him we all want him to stay strong.. I’ll send your love..

Well, I know through out the course of the past year you’ve been trying to show me that life is tuff and nothing is eternal.. I know you’re trying to make me strong by exposing me to the harsh test of life.. (if the word trying offends you.. I’m sorry.. I’m just short on word choices today.. You know me better.. You know how I get all choked up when I’m upset) But anyways.. Don’t you think you should take it down a notch and give me a break.. I mean there are other ppl you know.. I ain’t special.. I get it.. So I’m asking for a vacation here.. I won’t be sinful and I won’t even go anywhere.. Just need some time off from your harsh learning’s.. and this so called life that’s merely a temporary layover till we make it over there… wherever you are.. That’s if I even earn enough credits through good deeds to get myself a ticket there.. I’ll settle for world traveler at this rate.. This letter is probably not gonna get me past baggage claim right ?? Well anyways you taught me to be compassionate and forgiving.. and plz feel for me today and ignore my bitching (oppppss sorry God I don’t mean any disrespect.. but again my word choice is limited today and that term seems most appropriate for my current state of being.. remember forgiving and compassionate)..

And God, my real reason for this letter is to make my Uncle better.. You know how I always say “God plz make this happen for me and I’ll become a nun and dedicate my life to you but in an Islamic way” ok I figured you knew I was just trying to manipulate you and I was being all selfish.. But this time.. I ask you to save him for my Fathers sake.. And my Uncles children and his Grandchildren and his Great Grandchildren.. (Ya7aila my Uncle and the 3 generations he has taken care of).. Yeah.. Could you do that for me God, Big Boss of all Man Kind, the Creator of all that is in this world and life.. Could ya ? For my Dad’s sake..

If not, then I understand, C’est la vie.. and all..

Ok I’ll let you go back to the other billions of ppl you’re looking over.. and Kudos for being you (I’m kissing up now aren’t I ?.. aren’t I supposed to anyways)..

Ok one tiny thing.. If I make it to heaven.. Can my little patch in Eden be central park ? And can you throw in the city around it.. Coz to be honest I don’t know if I can handle the countryside for all eternity…

All my love..

DiiGMaa

P.S.

Compassion and forgiveness, the two things you taught me best..

and if you do decide to take him.. be gentle.. take care of him plz..

UPDATE: Mum says my Gran’ma (her mum) is in the ICU too..

Dear God,

Please…